Tortured Dolphins Fan: Hop In, the Spaceship is Taking Off
Plus, we talk with a 45-year-old small business owner who wishes the Dolphins could be more like the Heat.
Two straight, babayyyyyy!
Improbably, implausibly, unbelievably, the Dolphins have won two games in five days. That’s more wins than they had in the previous 314 days combined. If wins were spaceships, the Dolphins would have two spaceships. That’s a lot of spaceships!
Adding to this astonishing development is that on Thursday, the Fins beat the Baltimore Ravens — a Super Bowl contender led by MVP candidate Lamar Jackson — thanks to Tua Tagovailoa’s late entrance, Robert Hunt’s fat-guy touchdown (that was called back, but you can’t take away the emotional impact, like George Washington crossing the Delaware) and a timely scoop-and-score from back-from-the-dead Xavien Howard.
And suddenly, unanticipatedly, hysterically, the Dolphins are 3-7 with an outside chance of making the playoffs.
Before wins against Houston and Baltimore, the Dolphins had a 1% chance of making the postseason, according to FiveThirtyEight.com’s mumbo jumbo. Now they have a 5% chance. That’s better. If they win the next two games, that 5% chance would become a 10% chance. That’s betterer.
Before Christmas, they’ll play the Jets, Panthers, Giants and the Jets again, a slate as soft as Kris Kringle’s jolly stomach.
Is it… possible that… the Dolphins… could be… .500… heading into the final three games of the season?
As Kevin Garnett once said, “Anything is possible!”
As Kevin Garnett also said, “Don’t test me!”
Wes, seriously, it’s two wins. Relax. This team is still a hot mess, the offensive line is better at running routes than protecting the quarterback, the defense got bailed out plenty of times against Baltimore and even a 10% chance ain’t grea—
DON’T TEST ME!
Look, I know how this ends. In disappointment, regret, whiskey. But what’s life if not hopelessly getting your hopes up?
Tua is back and throwing darts, bum finger and all, and the Dolphins have a history of turning things around in the second half of the season. There’s still much football yet to be played.
Hop in this spaceship now and come along for the ride.
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TDF Talks: Why Can’t the Dolphins Get it Right?
This week for Tortured Dolphins Fan, we talk to Lee Weinger, a 45-year-old small business owner in Broward County who wishes the Dolphins would be more like the Heat. If you’d like to talk about your own tortured Dolphins fandom, direct message me on Twitter.
How did you become a Miami Dolphins fan?
Well, I was born and raised here. My parents were from New York. They weren't really sports fans, but my older brother was and so I blame all of it on him.
Do you and your brother still talk about the Dolphins?
I spoke to him this morning about this interview and trying to bring up memories or things to talk about with you. So we still talk but we both have been apathetic to the Dolphins for many years. It's been a really long time since the Dolphins last bothered me. They broke me, I don't know, probably about 10 or 12 years ago. Enough was enough. I couldn't put my heart soul into it anymore.
What is it that broke you?
Every time they made a regime change, I would always think Okay, this is it, this is it. The one that actually broke me, maybe the wild cat season, which was kind of out of nowhere. After that, when they never could continue that and it went right back to being terrible. I realized at that point, and I told my wife ‘I'm never going to see them win a Super Bowl. Just have my grandkids put something on my tombstone if they ever did.’
What’s your best Dolphins memory?
Probably beating the ‘85 Bears on Monday Night Football, which is one of my first memories because I was only nine years old. But I was watching it in my room on my little black and white TV, up way later than I was supposed to be. That’s probably my first real Dolphins memory — and best memory. So I peaked immediately and it was just all downhill from there.
You’re clearly disappointed with this franchise. What’s the most disappointing thing about it?
I just don't know why they can't figure it out. It doesn't seem to make sense. I know that Stephen Ross spends a lot of money but he just continues to put the wrong people in charge. Everything looks good after a year or two, whether it was Sparano or Gase or Flores now, and then it just goes right back to nothing. It's like everything they do is wrong, and I don't know how it gets fixed other than Ross finds his Pat Riley, like Micky Arison did, and just hands that guy the keys and says Okay, it's your show, and that happens to be the right guy. But he's just shown an inability to do that and just everything they do is wrong.
Do you have different expectations for the Heat and Dolphins?
Well, the Heat have given me so much joy over my years of being a sports fan that I give them mulligan's all the time. Regular-season losses don't bother me. It was annoying when I woke up this morning and saw they lost to the Lakers, but they're always competitive. Even in rebuilds. They’ll have one or two bad years here and there but every six, seven years, they have a championship contender and are always in the playoffs. I have nothing to complain about with the Heat, so if they have a bad game or a bad year, I’m like It’s okay, you guys are awesome. I've seen you play for six championships and win three. The Heat have that carte blanche in my book. The Dolphins, however, do not.
Would you consider yourself a bigger Dolphins fan or a bigger Heat fan at this point?
That’s a tricky question. I would take a Dolphins Super Bowl over any of my other teams winning a championship. They're the only team of mine that I haven't seen win a championship. But I've kind of accepted that it's never going to happen.