Friday Donuts: 'Succession' Prediction and Vanderpump Rules Observations
"I never wanted this for you."
After a few weeks away, a lengthy Friday Donuts covering the Succession finale, Vanderpump Rules, dumb Nuggets takes and other updates.
🍩 A successor will be named
“Succession” is not a happy show. It’s a show about the dark edges of capitalism, dumbo nepo-babies, ultra-wealthy narcissists, hangers-on, and their volatile roles in the machine that produces the shit normal pub-crawlers like you and I are involuntarily force-fed on a daily basis through a chute of politics, inflation and hashtags.
It’s such a good fucking show. And if it has taught us anything, it’s that a happy ending is not coming.
The season finale is this Sunday, and I can’t wait to see how it ends. For sure, I’ll mourn the end of this first-ballot, hall-of-fame piece of television like Roman Roy, every Sunday night for the next several weeks turning to my wife and crying, Is another episode in there? as I meekly point to our flatscreen.
That Roman scene… so devastating. The penultimate episode of “Succession” contained myriads, but Kieran Culkin (Roman) wrought tears with his moving performance. Roman asked if his father was in the coffin — he may as well have hopped in there. Make no mistake, Roman is as good as dead. Whatever high he was feeling at the beginning of the episode, up in smoke like his fucked-up satellite launch. There is no phoenix here to rise from those ashes, only Roman getting stomped on by the street urchins he once jerked off over. When Kendall tells Roman, “You fucked it” after the funeral, it’s the most vicious thing any sibling has said to one another. This, in an episode in which Roman joked about masturbating to his sister’s breastfeeding.
We’ve likely seen the last of many fringe characters, all of whom have been given a bleak if not poignant ending: Marcia, Kerry, Sandy and Sandi, Jess, and perhaps even Rava.
Kendall has fully ruptured his relationship with his ex-wife, threatening legal action if she took the kids out of the city on the day of Logan’s funeral. He tells her she’s lost context because she’s “too online” but it is Kendall who has lost whatever light touch he had with reality. He burns another bridge when he childishly disparages Jess — a normy, by all accounts — for wanting to move on to a new job. These were the women closest to Kendall and, just like his father, he threw a tantrum and, in so many more words, told them to fuck off.
Kendall replaces both with Logan-era munchmen Colin and Hugo (Big H!). He has brokered an alliance with Logan’s consigliere, Frank. He has boarded himself from his siblings and those closest to him with eyes trained on the big chair. There’s a scene in “The Godfather,” when Don Corleone tells Michael, “I never wanted this for you.” Was Kendall’s name crossed out or underlined? Perhaps it doesn’t even matter.
It appears we’re on track for Kendall to assume Logan’s post as head of whatever Waystar Royco/GoJo amalgamation emerges in the finale. As the namesake suggests, this show is about succession. It’s also (and mostly) about many other things, but to not end with someone as CEO would be dishonest.
It is, as we’ve established, not a happy show. This will not end like “Game of Thrones,” with faux joy cast over an irksome and disjointed ending. If showrunner Jesse Armstrong has proven anything during this masterpiece of a final season, it’s that he knows exactly what he wants to say, how to say it, and do so with splendor. He is pointing a mirror at a sad sack wasp trap writ large, not reflecting what we’ve been conditioned to expect from TV in general.
Uncle Ewan remarks during the funeral that Logan, “Made but a mean estimation of the world and he fed a certain kind of meagerness in men. Perhaps he had to because he had a meagerness about him.”
Succession will end by fulfilling its promises. Kendall, by finally turning his meagerness into meanness, will be named CEO, and it will not be a happy ending.
🍩 5 Observations from the Vanderpump Rules reunion from someone who never watched another episode of Vanderpump Rules
For the entire hour, Sandoval looks like he’s sitting on the bus and has diarrhea, but his stop isn’t for another 11 blocks.
Andy Cohen is the best at this. The Lacheys are very much not. They should be watching this, taking notes, and offering to pick up Andy’s cards.
I can’t remember any of the girls’ names but my wife tells me that the cheaty girl’s name is Rachel but she goes by Raquel (because LA) but the cheated-on girl now calls her Rachel out of pettiness. So, if I got this right (and I very much might not)… she’s insulting her by calling her by her real name? No wonder people love this stupid show.
“YOU’RE A WORM WITH A MUSTACHE” — Me, yelling at the TV when the Dolphins play Aaron Rodgers’ Jets.
Is that Sharon Osbourne?
🍩 Mannix Mania
It’s really easy to buy into the mad online thing and start dunking on people on social media. For instance, Chris Mannix of Sports Illustrated said in a podcast interview that the media doesn’t cover the Nuggets because they aren’t interesting. Here’s the clip making the rounds, if you want to watch it or join in on the flogging.
"They're just not a compelling team to talk about (or) to write about.”
Do I feel that way? No. I find the Nuggets extremely compelling. I watched them a ton this season. I find it sad that more people didn’t.
But I also realize I’m not a regular NBA fan. I buy League Pass for $200 a year and watch games every night. I’m invested professionally. Regular people aren’t, just like regular people aren’t on Twitter complaining about this.
Here’s what I do know: Being good isn’t interesting. Never has been. The Spurs won multiple championships over a span of two decades and still have one of the league’s smallest fanbases.
The Cowboys are talked about on ESPN every day not because they are winning championships, it’s because they aren’t, and people want to know why.
You think the Warriors get great ratings because they’re good? No. They get great ratings because they are polarizing. It wasn’t that long ago that people were debating if Steph Curry was “ruining the game” or if a jump-shooting team could win a title. I covered the Warriors and can tell you Steph is a mostly uninteresting person who says uninteresting things. My guess is that the Warriors would have become a lot less interesting over time if they didn’t acquire Kevin Durant — a decision that launched countless “Does this ring count?” debates.
People need more than good to be interested, they need something to talk about. As Mannix says in that clip, the Nuggets make it a point not to talk about themselves or do extra interviews so that we can get to know more stuff about them. That’s fine, they don’t have to, but it isn’t doing them any favors.
But Jokic likes horses!
Nikola Jokic is a sublime basketball player who gets my eyeballs, but the horse thing is only interesting to people who are already a fan of Jokic. Nobody is becoming a fan of Jokic because he likes horses. That’s like voting for a politician because she likes Labradoodles.
Steph had the ruined-the-game thing. LeBron has the MJ debate. Kobe had mamba mentality (and off-the-court controversies). What #brandedcontent does Jokic have, other than being an amazing basketball player?
In real life, no one comes up to me and asks, “Hey, man! Did you see how Joker read the Lakers’ defense and, when they pinched against him on the short roll, he kicked it out to the strongside shooter? His anticipation is NUTS!”
No, they say things like “You think the Lakers can go all the way?” Or “Durant to the Suns! Can anybody beat them?” or “Where do you think Kyrie ends up?”
That’s what normal people find interesting. Very little of that has anything to do with being good. Durant wasn’t interesting until he became a bus rider.
You could come at me with the MVP debate, and I did consider that. But the problem with that conversation is the inherent and perceived racial undertones. It’s not fun to talk about, it’s uncomfortable.
That said, I do believe certain journalistic enterprises have a professional obligation to cover the Nuggets better than they are now. Jokic is the two-time MVP, the Nuggets are in the Finals. As record keepers, the media should not let this team go uncovered. They need to find a better way to tell these stories.
But that’s not what Mannix’s argument is. All he’s saying is that they aren’t interesting. Unfortunately, most people would agree.
🍩 Professional life stuff!
The podcast is doing great. Top 100 on Apple charts for all sports, as high as no. 8 among basketball podcasts. YouTube and Spotify have been doing great as well. Thanks to all the new and old listeners.
ICYMI, my fourth freelance piece for The Ringer came out last week. This one is on the previously untold story of Jimmy Butler’s dreadlocks. Really proud of this one.
🍩 What I’m drinking: Florida Panthers Kool-Aid. Vamos Gatos!