I was recently asked on the Warriors Huddle podcast to come up with another hot food take. Here’s the script I prepared. It’s about toasting subs.
🍩 Don’t toast your subs
There’s a scene In "The Departed” where Jack Nicholson’s character Frank Costello, quotes John Lennon as saying, "I'm an artist, give me a tuba and I'll get something out of it”
It’s the same scene when Costello tells Leonardo DiCaprio’s character that he knows there’s a rat in his organization. Then he makes the rat face. You’ve seen the meme. Anyway, back to the quote.
I think about that quote a lot because I don’t know if you know this about me, but I consider myself a sandwich artist. The John Lennon of sandwiches, if you will. Maybe I can’t make music with a tuba, but give me that, some ham and a little bit of mayonnaise, and I can turn it into a pretty damn good hoagie.
I say all of this not to brag but to provide needed context for what I’m about to say.
I have a bone to pick with Firehouse Subs.
Here’s what they say about their approach to Sub making on their website:
“People come back again and again because, unlike other sub places, we steam our meats and cheeses, releasing a rush of flavors, then stuff a serving on one of our toasted private-recipe sub rolls. It’s a winning combination.”
A winning combination for losers, maybe.
You asked me for a food take, well here it is: Subs should never be toasted.
What, the roll is too airy and delicious when served soft? You prefer to swap out the fresh smell of baked bread for burnt crust in a dirty oven?
I don’t want to hear the counters.
Oh, the bread is stale. Get new bread, genius! It’s only the cheapest food ever.
Oh, I like it when the meat is hot. Then get a panini, bozo!
Toasting your Sub is child’s play. It’s the sub-equivalence of putting butter on pasta.
Have you ever been in line at a Sub shop, and the person in front of you asks for it toasted? Don’t you lose respect for them, even just a little bit? I bet that person didn’t mind when the stock market crashed because all of their money is tied up in a Costco membership and RC Cola.
This is why I won’t set foot in a Firehouse Subs. It’s full of people I don’t respect. Like an Imagine Dragons concert.
You want to know where the Firehouse Subs headquarters are? Jacksonville. Of course.
But I’ll tell you what the real problem is here.
Adding. People are obsessed with adding.
They think by adding, they are getting more value. That’s wrong.
The very idea that a sub shop would offer to toast your sub for free compels people to do it without ever thinking that they are making their sub worse.
Think about it. Would you put razorblades in your toothpaste if Crest offered it for the same price?
I didn’t think so.
Don’t ruin your subs. And, more importantly, don’t let Firehouse Subs build a business on bad taste. My challenge to everyone listening — and listen to me very carefully — next time you see a Firehouse Subs… go In. That’s right. Go in. And when you get to the front of the line, ask them NOT to toast your sub. I hear they’ll give you fresh bread for free.
The person behind you in line might hear you and do the same. And the person after that. And the person after that.
If enough of us do it, maybe those Jacksonville hillbillies will get the picture: Fresh is better than toasted.
Don’t toast your subs!
I’ll leave you with this final quote from Frank Costello:
"I don't want to be a product of my environment. I want my environment to be a product of me.”
🍩 RealGM Radio: NBA Feelingz Awards
Katie Heindl (Basketball Feelings) joins me to dive into the impact of Doncic's trade, the NBA MVP race featuring Nikola Jokic and Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and the first-ever "Feelingz Awards" that highlight the season's most entertaining players and teams. Then Nick Angstadt of Locked On Mavericks comes on to go inside the Mavericks arena for Doncic's return and what happens next for Dallas.