Friday Donuts: 12/13
The official ranking of the five worst pizza toppings.
Since you asked, here are the five worst — nay, unacceptable — pizza toppings.
Peppers: Can sound like a good idea, but it rarely works out. I think it’s something about how long the individual items take to cook (total guess), but the peppers are usually not cooked enough or overcooked to the point that they’re rubbery. Unless we’re talking about jalapenos, best to ditch the bell peppers. Risk-reward. Simple economics.
Ranch: I’ve taken some heat for my “ranch dressing never belongs on pizza” take, but I guess what bothers me the most is when people, without first trying the pizza, will drown the first bite in a bowl of ranch like they’re filling up a Super Soaker in the pool. Maybe the pizza doesn’t need it! What if — and hear me out — the cheese, sauce, crust, garlic, oregano, pepperoni and grease combine to make something that already tastes good?! The only time it’s acceptable is when ordering from a fast-food chain like Domino’s or Papa John’s. Because at that point, what the hell. But real pizza restaurants should either (a) not serve ranch (But they need it for the salad! Fuck the salad.) or (b) demand you take a bite of the pizza before receiving your Oliver Twist-sized dollop of mayonnaise and sour cream mixed together.
Broccoli/Artichokes/any chunky green vegetable: Beyond just the strange vibes combination (who are you kidding?), these heavy vegetables weigh down your pizza. If they don’t, then your pizza is too thick. That’s just math. In other words, allow these chunky veggies to exist on pizza, but only as a red flag. If you see them, you know not to order that slice (or eat at that establishment).
Chicken of any kind: Any of it! Who the hell came up with buffalo chicken pizza? Someone at a sports bar who wanted both pizza and wings but didn’t want all the calories? Well, Bert, your pizza sucks. As for just, like, grilled chicken on pizza, again, I ask: Why? I like chicken just fine, but literally all of the other meats are better on pizza. Pepperoni, sausage, meatball, prosciutto, ham, bacon — wait, no, not bacon. It’s too salty. Chicken and bacon. Neither should ever be served on pizza. Why are you denying yourself? Just order a slice with the other, better meats.
Barbeque sauce: Fair warning, if we’re together and you choose to eat a slice of pizza with barbeque sauce on it, and Jigsaw isn’t threatening to pull a fish hook out of your throat, then we are no longer friends. To quote Jim Gaffigan’s joke about fruitcake: Barbeque? Good. Pizza? Good. Barbeque pizza? “Nasty crap.” They don’t belong together! Pizza is made to be eaten standing up or on the go. It’s quick and efficient. Barbeque is the opposite, the product of a painstaking process and patience, made to eat sitting down while armed with thousands of napkins and a school lunch tray. What activity are we doing that calls for both? I’m convinced that people who like barbeque pizza are burdened by indecision, hate their jobs and are jealous of Kurt Cobain’s courage to end it all.
ANYWAY, here’s a bunch of Jimmy Butler stuff…
Miami Heat Stuff
🍩 Here’s the Locked On Heat episode breaking down the latest, including the Suns report that broke while we were recording.
🍩 I jumped on The Athletic’s NBA Daily show to discuss the Heat’s four-game win streak and, yes, Jimmy Butler.
🍩 And for The Whiteboard, I took the other side and wrote about five teams who should be calling the Heat about Butler, and what they should offer.
NBA Stuff
🍩 RealGM Radio: Mo Dakhil joined me to react to some fun NBA Cup knockout round games and look ahead to the semifinals. (We also talked about Jimmy Butler!)